When Things Go Sour

Steps to understanding

By Jeffrey Hansler, CSP

Even with effective communication skills, there are no guarantees that your communication will always go well.  Sometimes unforseen circumstances or emotions create a situation where no level of communication skill could avoid an angry situation.

When communication breaks down, it is most often due to some misunderstandings.  These misunderstandings often trigger emotional responses which are frightening to experence.  Fear has many faces and one of these faces is anger.

Fear in communication is often expressed as anger and spoken in attacking words.  Unfortunately, angry words have enough truth in them to damage relationships.  Words spoken in anger can never be taken back and are often remembered for a long time.

So between the moments where communication breaks down and the angry words begin is a second chance to use your communication skills for the benefit of all parties.  There are several things you can do to assist you through an emotional encounter.

Review your own emotional outbreaks after they occur.  What triggered you?  Why?  What were your fears or apprehensions at the time?

Learn to recognize these triggers as they occur or, even better, just about to occur.  Then create a relief valve that neutralizes your own anger.  If images of counting to ten come to mind, that's one way of handling your anger.

A more effective idea is to ask the person(s) you're involved with a question about their last statement.  Something like, "Could you explain that further?"

By responding with a question, several very important things occur.  First, you gain time to evaluate yourself.  Second, you are provided with more information about their statements, and many times this clears up misunderstandings.  Third, by asking questions you create an opportunity for the other person to calm down.

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Jeffrey Hansler is a professional speaker, author, and consultant. He is a frequent speaker at association events and is the author of Sell Little Red Hen! Sell! He can be reached at jhansler@jeffreyhansler.com.

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